Self-Discovery à Self-Loathing à Self-Ownership
I’ve been doing a lot of self-discovery recently. As is the case with self-discovery, when you allow yourself to go there, you don’t always like what you find. And, rather than facing the things I discovered about myself that I don’t like, I allowed them to consume me.
This process of self-discovery, which quickly led to self-loathing, played a big part in my decision to take ownership of my depression and anxiety and actually put in the effort to defeat it, rather than expecting my “magic” little pill to do all the work for me.
1. I am virtually incapable of “going with the flow.” In my world, the “flow” must be going in a particular direction at a constant speed, and there must be buoys placed precisely equidistant from each other for the entire length of the river.
Solution: Rather than getting upset with myself because I have anxiety every time I try to do things off the cuff, I choose to accept the fact that I am a planner. No way around it. When the mood strikes to be spontaneous (as it very rarely, but occasionally does), don’t second guess it, just do it! And enjoy it!
2. I’m a quitter. I don’t “love a challenge.” I want life, and every task within it, to be easy. And when it gets too hard, I throw a tantrum. Then I give up.
Solution: I’m starting here, fighting for my own happiness. If I can do this, I can do anything. On the flip side, I am also a very stubborn person – I just need to apply my stubbornness in the right way. When it gets tough, I will not give up. If I feel the urge to give up, I will lean on my wonderfully supportive husband who has been prodding me toward this for some time now.
3. I never relax. I am always stressed. Even if my body is relaxed, my mind is always on the go.
Solution: I am on the hunt for relaxation techniques that work for me. So far, I have found that going tanning a few times a week not only gives me the Vitamin D boost my body has been craving since the onset of this horrendous season called winter, but also forces me to be still for those 10 minutes. While in the tanning bed, I make a conscious effort to meditate rather than allow my brain to remind me of everything little thing I need to do between now and the end of the year in the precise moment I am without a pen.
4. I am insecure.
Solution: This is a tough one. I’m hoping, with all the positive changes I am making in my life, that self-confidence and self-assuredness will come with the package that will be the new positive me. If not, I’ll have to re-evaluate.
I’m already starting to have a more positive can-do attitude, just after writing all of this down and focusing on what’s ahead rather than the rut I’ve been in. I'm excited to meet the new me! I know there is much work ahead of me, but it’s not as overwhelming as it once was. Probably because I have a PLAN! (See #1 above).