Thursday, April 4, 2013

The First Step

Just yesterday, at almost 30 years of age, I came to a very unsettling realization. I am a Negative Nancy. I’ve actually said these words: “B+ - it’s not only my blood type, it’s my motto!” How cheesy can I be? And dead wrong.

I suffer from Depression and Anxiety – just gonna get it out there. And I’ve come to realize that’s exactly the problem. Not that I have D&A, but that I “suffer” from it. It’s a disease, it’s out of my control, blah blah blah. For years now, I’ve been blaming my negative attitude and my lackluster lifestyle on D&A.

This all hit me like a slap in the tear-streaked face last night, when my husband defeatedly uttered these words to me: “I am a happy person. When you’re unhappy, I’m unhappy. You’ve been unhappy more and more often recently, and it’s making me unhappy. Your D&A is affecting me, too, and I can’t take it anymore. I don’t know how to help you.” Ouch.

I’m going to say this only once because I absolutely hate admitting this – He’s right.

Starting this blog is my way of telling him, and the world, and myself really, that I’m finally willing to make a change. For years, I thought that since I take a pill every day, I’d whipped my D&A into submission, when in reality, I just didn’t want to face how it was affecting my quality of life. No, how I was letting it affect my quality of life.

I can’t... It’s too hard... I’ll just lie here and eat ice cream and wait for the pain to go away. This doesn’t work. It’s time to try something new. A challenge. The big ‘ole scary unknown awaits.

This is the first step on my journey to Positivity Town, where I’d like to plant new roots and grow me a mature, independent, happy version of myself to replace this withering shell of a person.

Will anyone read this? I don’t know. It doesn’t matter, really. Mostly, this is meant to be therapeutic for me, as well as to document this tremendous life change I am committing to embarking upon with the final click of this post. And here we go!

Deep breath. Not just to brace myself, but for the clarity and the endorphin release I’m gonna need for this.

Yes, I can do this!